I know that a lot of folks are going to be mad at me for writing this for one way or another. Due to that, I would like to prelude my post with this:
If you are upset with me for not speaking out sooner and letting others get hurt by this individual, then I am extremely sorry for what I have done. If you are upset with me for calling out Sorcha’s behavior, then I don’t really care what you think.
I have a problem that is pretty deep-rooted. When I was born, I was born with a birth defect called a cleft palate, or a cleft lip, and due to that, I grew up with really low self-esteem. I mean, extremely low. So low that at certain points in my adolescence and young adult years I went through stages of suicidal thoughts and tendencies. It wasn’t just that I had these thoughts about my own appearance, it was also that other kids would see me and automatically think I was some freak for something that I had no control over.
Due to this, I developed a Body Dysmorphia Disorder that has stayed with me my entire life. I consider this a big reason why I have always felt really accepting of the Trans community in my own personal circle and online. When Trans individuals and non-binary folks describe the feelings of confusion, sadness, and anger at their own bodies, I feel that deep inside me. I know that it isn’t on the same level as having been born in the wrong gender, but wanting to escape or change your body is totally normal in my book.
Due to this issue, I have always felt really safe online. I could get to know people without showing my face. Do you know how awesome it is not having to explain the scar on your lip to folks when you first meet them? Do you know how horrible it is to hear people joke about dumb shit like people having lazy eyes or weird earlobes, or other stuff they have no control over, and then have that awkward stretch of two seconds that feel like an eternity when they realize that YOU ARE ONE OF THEM? You have something wrong with your GENES. And because of that, now they can’t JOKE about it. Do you know what it is like to have surgery after surgery through your younger years? I don’t smell or taste stuff like others because of the amount of Rhinoplasty I have had. My nose is a smashup of parts of my ears and other cartilage from my body. When you are behind a screen, you don’t have to deal with that. You can just be. You can talk about anything, and you don’t have to talk about your own looks.
Online was also where I bloomed sexually. I realized pretty young that I was into boys and girls. But growing up in a very religious family put a huge stunt on those feelings. I couldn’t be honest with my mom while growing up. I couldn’t tell my dad how I felt about some girls on my softball team. While I was trapped in prison while in the flesh, virtually, I could actually talk to other girls. Ones in the exact same situation that I was in. It felt so liberating! I can’t even describe it accurately. I felt whole for the first time some days.
This was where I learned about erotic role play. I got into it around when I started college. I never developed great social skills when it came to dating in high school. While many spent their freshman year exploring the party scene at ASU, I holed myself up in my room on my MacBook in these intense virtual worlds that I and others would create together. They were long stories. I would write from my perspective, and them from theirs. The best thing was that I didn’t have to be Daniella. Daniella is my real name. I changed the spelling a tad bit, but I still went by my childhood nickname, Dani, so it didn’t seem like it was being dishonest. At times though, I did feel like a fraud. This was back before webcams were that widely used, and a lot of times I would just send a description of myself, sans all the scarring on my face.
The thing about role play is that I never really stopped doing it until recently. It was a crutch that I used to get through tough times in my life because it allowed me to escape my own body and become something different. A few years ago I found Reddit, and after some late-night browsing, I found the roleplay section. It floored me how good some of the prompts on there were. It felt like home to me. I had spent so much time role-playing through college and through my twenties that finding a new place with as many people RPing as it did felt like heaven.
I am really grateful for the time I spent with others online. I learned a lot about my sexuality, my writing, and my boundaries as well. If it wasn’t for that time, I wouldn’t be writing this right now. Erotic role play did wonders in some ways for my life, but it caused hell and drama with other aspects as well…
I met Sorcha a while back. I got onto Twitter to originally find more people to role play with. After getting a decent following on Reddit and getting some partners for my RP was beginning to turn into an obsession. I had been going through some personal things and it caused me to throw myself wholeheartedly into being other people. Other women. Women more beautiful and sexy than I thought I was. It was an addiction. I know that now. I look back on those days and I thought of nothing but sex. It filled my entire being. It’s tough to even look at it now. The more I pull away and look at the entire picture, the more I see how disgusting the entire thing came off at times.
But at that moment, I felt far away from my problems. That was incredible. The other thing was that I was meeting all of these amazing people. While Reddit has a great community for writers, it really pales in comparison to Twitter. Reddit houses some great writing, but Twitter houses some great people. You can jump on there and find many different pockets of many different artists who lift one another up through the good, bad, and the ugly. It really is amazing at times. Other times, it can be a mess.
Sorcha was always promoting her work on my feed and as someone who loves to read erotica, it seemed like a slam dunk to grab some of her work while on sale. I was actually really impressed by some of the work. People who know me really well know that if someone is a great writer, that is a big turn on for me. I link it to all those years spent in chat rooms and message board forums. I have had huge crushes on writers just solely from reading their work before. I do this still after countless years of therapy, and well aware of the fact that these writings don’t make people how I envision, no matter how real they seem in my own imagination. Unfortunately, that is what happened with Sorcha. Some of their work struck a chord with me and I tucked it away somewhere deep inside.
Then, one day, after having some interactions here and there with them, Sorcha started flirting with me. It made my heart jump so fast. At that time, I really was focusing solely on erotica and leaving behind role play. While I still love it and encourage others to try it themselves, I just kept on thinking that it was doing more harm than good in the way that I was doing it before. I didn’t want it to dominate my entire day. I definitely didn’t want it interfering with my other writing endeavors. But… Like I said before, I have a deep-rooted problem. I guess this is the part that you put two and two together. One day I was flirting with Sorcha and then it turned into a DM.
At first, we didn’t talk about sex. We talked about publishing. She sent me some stories to read. I felt really cool, with this person who I supported and liked sending me their work to read like I was special. Sorry if you are cringing at this. I honestly feel the same way looking back now. But, I also want to be honest with this, so please bear with me.
Sorcha was pretty open to not being the person they were online. That I will be upfront about. They didn’t explicitly say that they were a man, and I honestly never made the connection until after I was told. Why? How? I can’t answer those questions. Maybe I am just dumb? I can own up to that. I feel really dumb. But honestly, Sorcha didn’t tell me right off the bat, they just alluded to being someone else. And shit, so was I. I was used to being other people. I was used to being open online because that was my reality for a good portion of my life. It made me feel really close to that person. It made me feel like we had an even deeper connection at times. I can explain this by again pointing to my pitiful self-esteem. Yeah, it’s better now after years of talking openly, therapy, and some regular CBD usage. But at times, I still feel really flimsy and weak, and seeing others in that position makes me feel for that person. I also need to point out that Sorcha did initiate this conversation about how they felt after I had started to ramp up my flirting, and they stated it was due to people being hurt by them before. I didn’t care. That was a mistake on my part, and I own up to that.
But we did start sexting and role-playing shortly after that. After a little bit Sorcha seemed to start losing interest, and then one day they came clean. They were a man. They felt bad for lying. I was floored. I didn’t tell them that. I told them that it was okay. I honestly thought that they may have just been confused or felt gender fluid. I feel really dumb actually thinking this while looking back now. We didn’t really get to know one another that well personally before jumping into role play, which is kind of common with me. The way they did it made me feel like they were reaching out for help, and I could only empathize with that.
I want to make two asides here: one, I identify as bi even though I am currently with a woman, so I stupidly told myself that this person being a different gender even though they were slightly dishonest about it wasn’t that big of a deal. It is. Two, I had no idea that Sorcha had done this with other people. I stupidly thought that I was the only one. They never disclosed what they did with others, and I never disclosed what I did either. But now that the veil was down, it was really tough.
Sorcha is actually Scott. They are married, and no, the wife doesn’t know. After putting two and two together (no, he did not tell me this specifically) was the first time I questioned continuing the relationship. My wife and I are open in our relationship. We have been on and off poly for years. I disclose my marriage with anyone who inquires. I don’t really open up much about my wife, because she prefers it that way, but I also let her know everything she needs to know. She knows who I talk to. She knows what I write about. She knows how I feel different online and she supports it. There were times where this became an issue, and we tackled that together. I can’t speak for others, but I also didn’t feel comfortable being a secret. I kept on asking if my wife did that to me how I would feel.
I had sent Scott some pics when they were under their former name, and they seemed to want them constantly after a while. I think many who know me know how fearsome I can be when sending pics. I still have a lot of body issues, even after posting pics of myself in my underwear. It wasn’t just that though, as I felt like I was being seen as something different than I intended. When I would forget to send something or if I got too busy too, Scott/Sorcha would seem to get impatient. It sucked. The main thing that sucked about it was that when Scott needed someone to vent to, I was that person. They had a lot of personal issues at home that I won’t divulge, but it wasn’t what most would think. To be honest, there were deep conversations that we had about religion and family that made me feel for the poor guy, and again, it made things more relatable from my standing. It just felt exhausting because it felt so one-sided at times. When I tried to vent about my own issues, they seemed to be kind of swept away.
Reddit is as tough as Twitter sometimes, and one day I just got hammered with a lot of weird replies to my comments. One guy I even had to block, which is a pretty high bar that I set on SM, so that is saying something. I remember getting in touch with Scott thinking that it may be a good way to relieve some stress, and I remember him just totally focused on me being sexy and focusing on his own needs at that time rather than my own. Suddenly, I felt like everyone on the internet just didn’t really give one single fuck about me. Luckily, I had friends with me to be able to convince me otherwise that day, but that was my last interaction with Scott. I didn’t even give an explanation. I felt strangely paranoid about them after everything we shared. Now I know why, and it was because I saw what was around the bend.
If it wasn’t for some fellow writers and fans of mine I honestly would have just quit everything back then. But I have some awesome people around me, and I feel strong when I think of them and know they got my back on some things. But, as good as friends as they are, I didn’t feel the need to share Scott with them, for some reason. I think it was shame mixed with regret. I also figured that if I just ignored Scott they would get the message and move on. I did intend to speak to them about things, but I also wanted some time to figure out how to word things so that things would be ended amicably. I’m not the best at ending online relationships, but also, I thought it was at least respectful to say my own piece about what happened that day.
After a couple of days of not replying, suddenly I was bombarded with one word DMs. It was an entire day of them. I was pretty peeved. This is one thing that pisses me off to no end. When people just send me shit like “hey” or “poke” it really irks me to no end. (Yes, random Twitter/Reddit dude, that is why I ignored your message) After a day of that shit, I just muted Sorcha. Why did I mute them and not unblock them, or unfollow them? Well, I honestly didn’t want to have to deal with subtweets and dumb ass Twitter drama. I just wanted to run away and escape, which is something that I am really good at. Yes, that makes me a coward. I accept that. I should have done more. I also wanted to leave a door open to end things right, but after some deep thinking for a while, and some talking with my wife, I came to the conclusion to just let things lie. That is my biggest regret. Some poor girl was DMed because of my stupidity.
How do I know? Well, one of my readers actually followed Sorcha and started reading her work. It sucks because this woman told me she did it because of my recommendations. She let me know that Sorcha was talking to her. She also said that the person behind the account struck her as strange and I felt like a fucking moron for not seeing it right away as she did. To her and to everyone else I didn’t share this info with, I am sorry. This was recent when all this happened, and I only hope that I was the last one to go through it, but I highly doubt it after seeing some of the reactions to their initial tweet linking the blog post.
If you hate me after reading this, I understand. If you think I am stupid after reading this, I understand. If you are mad at me and never want to follow me or read any of my work, I understand. None of what I did was right. None of it. Scott, if you are reading this, I am not apologizing to you. I apologize to your wife who I helped contribute to her agony and pain. No matter what issues you two had, that didn’t leave open any room for us to do what we did. IF you are reading this, and I kind of suspect you are still reading my site and Reddit account, that is my biggest regret. I helped hurt a family and that is something that I will own and will say that was entirely on me. That isn’t what my lifestyle and ideals should point to, and as someone who states to have these beliefs myself, I need to make sure to own up to that. I also am sorry to all the other women who felt abused and tormented by you, and I deeply apologize for contributing to this behavior.
My wife does know about Scott. We butted heads when this first came to light and she said that she didn’t agree but she wasn’t going to stop me. The thing that stings the most is that Scott’s wife never got that opportunity. I used to fool myself into thinking that at least it was fleeting and special, but after seeing all the women who have been hurt in this, I just feel gross and really unclean.
Thank you for reading this post. As a person who writes crazy shit like Free Use erotica, it may surprise people to learn that consent and honesty is a big thing to me when it comes to sex. No matter what, if you love someone, and care deeply for them, you need to be honest with them. I wasn’t, and for that, I am asking for forgiveness. Since this incident with Scott, I honestly feel burned out when it comes to role-playing totally, as well as writing erotica to some degree. I love my site, my fans, and my friends that I made recently, so I am not going anywhere, but it did cause me to press pause on this endeavor. Also, as the last note to add to this horrid affair, Scott made sure to message and email me from every account they have, including their actual author account. So Scott, if you don’t leave me alone, or if you come at me like you did some of these other girls, you better watch the fuck out… I have no interest to ever speak to you again. Get fucked.
Thank you for reading, boppers,